Welcome to the Military part II

Where we last left off, I had just arrived to the office where I had to give the army my personal information, take a hebrew test and sign the papers.

So I get to the station, there are a few kids waiting outside the office, and I swipe my magic card. I don’t sit there for long when a young female soldier, maybe 18 or 19, comes out and says my name as all Israelis do “Hair-beart Ep-shteen.” Perhaps I should’ve just started using my hebrew name Chaim Hershal when I moved to Israel, it might have been easier, but no problem. So she calls my name and I stand up and she starts speaking to me in hebrew. Now, my hebrew sucked back then, and well actually, it’s still pretty crappy, but I did my best to talk to her in hebrew. We walked over to her desk and she started asking me questions about myself: where am I from, where do I live now, what are my parents names, do I have any siblings, etc. I was able to talk in hebrew, amazingly, not well might at add for maybe 15-20 minutes. It was a struggle and was like having your teeth pulled.

I finally tell the girl, “Ani lo m’daber ivrit”, or “I don’t speak hebrew.” She looks at me puzzled and continues to ask me questions in hebrew, I got nothing left to tell her so we both kind of just look at each other in that awkward silence for a few moments and then she tells me in hebrew, she’ll be right back. After a few minutes waiting, a male soldier comes over, I could only assume it was the commander and he starts speaking to me in hebrew and we go through the same thing, I try to answer as much as I can, but eventually we get to a stalemate. He then gets up and I wait a few more minutes. At this time it’s a little past 2 p.m. and I still need to take the IQ test and the army office closes at 4 p.m.

The girl once again returns. She sits down with a smile on her face and what do you know, starts speaking perfect english with a New Zealand accent. She tells me that they’re supposed to do the interview or whatever it is in hebrew and she had to get permission to speak to me in english. We begin the question process once again, why I want to enlist, how long have I been in Israel for, blah blah. This goes on for a long time and at this point I’m a little antsy.

(A side note, I hadn’t eaten anything all day and I had to piss so bad, but I was afraid I would miss them calling my name all day say I never went to the bathroom. I was in serious pain, and like George in Seinfeld when he goes to India and refuses to use the bathroom, I was hoping to sweat it out.)

Okay, so then she starts asking me for an address to give her. I gave her my kibbutz, but she also needed two more addresses. I remind her that I have no family or anything in Israel, but she asks me again. I try to give her Doc’s parents address, but she won’t accept it as they haven’t lived at that location for at least four years. They will accept it as the third address but not the first or second. I try to think of people I know. There’s my friend Dotan, who I went to High School with and serves in the I.D.F. and lived on the kibbutz next to mine, but I didn’t know what his address was, so that was a loss. Then I call Michelle and ask for her aunt’s address, which I couldn’t get by the time I had to leave, but the girl said I could bring it to them the next day.

So that annoying part is over with. Then she asks me if something happens to me while I’m in the army, the army gives me a certain amount of money (probably enough for a shwarma and cola) and that I can choose who the money goes to. I obviously say my parents. The girl asks me if they are Israeli, and I remind her that I have no family in Israel and that I’m American and am a lone soldier or chayal boded. So I’m trying to think of someone to give the money to. I think of Michelle, but at the time she is not an Israeli citizen (she is now). I can only think of one other person, Dotan, so I tell the soldier he’s the man and then she asks me for his address. At this point I’m exhausted and just want to get the hell out of there. I don’t know his  address, but I tell her he’s in the army and ask if she can just look him up. She then tells me she needs his army I.D. number, at this point I’m ready to tell her to give the money to some bum on the corner for all I care. I give her Dotan’s cell number and she calls him and talks to him and he gives her the information she needs and also mentions how stupid I am for enlisting in the army.

Now that that is finally done with, she brings over the document, which I am to sign, that officially enlists me in the Israeli Army. She brings over a copy in hebrew and english, and I have to say, I was somewhat disappointed. I expected at least five pages of things to read over and sign, but she hands me one lousy piece of paper, that doesn’t really say all that much except by signing this you are part of the army and subject to their draft date, etc. BORING. I read over the thing and look at the girl and say I guess I’m signing my life away to the army, she smiles, I sign and bam that makes me part of the Israeli Army. WAHOOOOO.

She then tells me her commander is going to come over and test me in hebrew. I tell her it’s not necessary as I can’t speak hebrew and why waste everyone’s time, but she says I have to, so I do it. The commander comes over, asks me to read some words on a sheet of paper and to spell out some words they he says. Okay, I do then, when can I leave? He gets up and leaves, she comes back and starts saying sentences in hebrew that I must write down. she says them twice, the first time at a fast pace and the second at a slow pace. I do my best to write everything down, but I know I suck at hebrew. I don’t need a test to tell me that. We finish and finally I am DONE! However, by now it is 4:30 and I have to come back the following day to take my IQ test. Ughhhh. I tell the soldier I’ll bring Michelle’s aunt’s address tomorrow and then I leave. A long, long day. At least the IQ test wasn’t supposed to take long. Plus, I got to miss work.

Regardless of the tiring day, I was pretty excited about the whole thing. I actually committed to something and was actually going through with it. I was very pleased.

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!

בוקר תוב!

Not sure why I woke up with that in my head, I haven’t seen “Good Morning Vietnam” in a while, but what hell, I liked it as a heading. Just try and picture Robin Williams yelling it and there you go.

It is roughly 11:30 a.m. here in Givatayim, currently 66 degrees with a high of 79. Or for those of you who use Celsius, it’s currently 19 degree, with a high of 26. I’m still not used to the whole Celsius thing, but I’m getting there. Today is a great day for the beach, especially when you are like myself and have nothing to do. Not much on the agenda today, I’ll do some studying and I need to get in shape and start running more consistently. I need a good playlist to work out to, so send in some suggestions of songs that would work. You can either do it through commenting or through email: herb.epstein@gmail.com.  Right on, I know back in America most people are still sleeping, but everyone have an enjoyable day, I know I will.